Welcome Mats, No Litter Pans

A memo from the President-elect stipulates that cats will not be welcome at the White House, neither as residents nor visitors, so long as he and his family are occupants. The memo describes cats as “untrustworthy, unclean, and smelly,” and likens them to Democrats.

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The occasion for the memo appears to be the President-elect’s ongoing preparation to split time among his various residences, and ensuring his level of comfort and security at each. Despite rumors to the contrary, Trump does not own a pet, and Bratbreit has no information about acquiring one when he takes office. Every president dating back over a century has acquired and/or brought pets with them when moving to the White House, including Benjamin Harrison, who kept possums.

Page Ferbal, the transition team member who shared the memo with Bratbreit, is unaware that any member of Trump’s family is allergic to cats. “Mr. Trump just doesn’t like them, plain and simple,” she said. “He gets uncomfortable when they’re around, and has been known to leave rooms, even entire buildings, if there’s a cat present. He’s very meticulous in his personal habits, and has complained about the way cats shed and smell.”

Asked about the reference to Democrats, Ms. Ferbal smiled. “He did write that, but with the president-elect sometimes it’s difficult to tell whether he’s entirely serious,” she reported. “You know, like when he suggested the Russians hack Secretary Clinton’s email and NRA members assassinate her.”

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